Best Dad Jokes

I replaced my rooster with a duck…

Now I wake up at the quack of dawn

My son asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”

Me: Honey, how should I know?

My coworker asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl

I said no, I didn’t even know he could do that

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can garden?

A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can write?

A moo-thor.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can read?

A moo-k worm.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can fly?

High steaks.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can swim?

A moo-rine.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can drive?

A moo-ving vehicle.

I'm no cheetah.

You're lion.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can paint?

A moo-sterpiece.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can sing?

A moo-sical.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can dance?

A moo-ver.

What do you call a cow that can surf?

A moo-ve maker.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that plays video games?

A moo-ver and shaker.

I told my cat a joke.

It was not amewsed.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?

De-calf-inated.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can do magic?

Moo-dini.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can't stop laughing?

A laughing stock.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the others?

Lean beef.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?

A moo-sician.

What do you call a dog that's been out in the cold?

A pupsicle.

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador.

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

Bare-foot.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

What do you call a dog that does math?

A count hound.

What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants?

Purr-suasive.

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cat that eats lemons?

A sour puss.

What do you call a bird that's afraid to fly?

Chicken.

What do you call a rabbit that tells jokes?

A funny bunny.

What do you call a dog in the winter?

A chili dog.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a horse that lives next door?

A neigh-bor.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a dog that does science experiments?

A Lab.

What do you call a cat that bowls?

An alley cat.

What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?

So-fish-ticated.

What do you call a cow on a trampoline?

A milkshake.

What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

What do you call a sleeping lizard?

A calm-eleon.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I just watched a documentary about beavers.

It was the best dam show I ever saw.

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

De-calf-inated.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a cat on the beach?

Sandy Claws.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?

A Bronto-snorus.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny.

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meow-ntain.

What do you call a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

What do you call a horse that lives next door?

A neigh-bor.

What do you call a cat that was caught by the police?

The purrpetrator.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

What do you call a cow during an earthquake?

A milkshake.

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A Labracadabrador.

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor.

What do you call a baby monkey?

A chimp off the old block.

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?

Lost.

What do you call a bear with no ears?

B.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bull-dozer.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A stega-snore-us.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybe.

What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

A sturgeon.

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?

An alley-gator.

Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?

To go with the jellyfish.

What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador.

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?

A dino-snore.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

What do you call a bear caught in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse.

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

Because it was a little horse.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?

Bison.

Why can't a leopard hide?

Because he's always spotted.

What do you call a duck that gets all A's?

A wise quacker.

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

What do you call a group of disorganized cats?

A cat-astrophe.

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Why don't elephants use computers?

Because they're afraid of the mouse.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A fsh.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Why don't oysters share their pearls?

Because they're shellfish.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

I met Tom Hanks once…

I asked him for his autograph, and all he wrote was “Thanks.” So rude.

Mummies aren’t from the Stone Age or the Iron Age…

They’re from the Bandage

The inventor of the Ferris wheel and the inventor of the merry-go-round never crossed paths...

They just traveled in different circles

I heard on the news someone’s been stealing wheels off police cars…

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle got run over by a boat in Venice…

My gondolences.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia…

He said, “Sure knock yourself out.”

I asked my friend Nick, if I could borrow 5 cents.

But he was Nicholas.

If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?

Well hopefully…

If time is money…

Then ATMs must be time machines.

What’s the difference between a dad joke and an athletic rabbit?

One’s a bit funny… and the other’s a fit bunny.

I saw a brand new clock in the garbage the other day.

Such a waste of time

BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU FOLLOW THE MASSES

SOMETIMES THE M IS SILENT

A 3 foot, 3 inch tall man knocked at my door this morning. I said: "Who are you?"

He said: "I'm the meter man."

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian

Did you hear about the guy who collapsed while climbing Mount Everest?

Authorities just found Himalayan there.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie. Clooney says, "I'll direct." DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'II write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene.

What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a woman standing on one leg?

Eileen.

What do you call a man hanging on the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob.

What do you call a man lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man who can't stand?

Neil.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

I mist.

What do you call a sleeping bag?

A nap sack.

What do you call a shoe made of a banana?

A slipper.

What do you call a sleeping bag?

A nap sack.

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What do you call a lazy person in Japan?

Japanapping.

What do you call a fake stone?

A shamrock.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

A satisfactory.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi.

What do you call a funny mountain?

Hill-arious.

What do you call a shoe made of a banana?

A slipper.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

I'm afraid for the calendar.

Its days are numbered.

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

I have a joke about paper.

Never mind, it's tearable.

Why did the gym close down?

It just didn't work out.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barber-queue.

I have a joke about chemistry.

But I don't think it will get a reaction.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

I have a joke about time travel.

But you didn't like it.

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

I'm so good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

I used to be a personal trainer.

Then I gave my too weak notice.

What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

I'm so good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

I don't trust people who do acupuncture.

They're back stabbers.

Why did the man bring a ladder to church?

He wanted to reach a higher power.

I went to buy some camo pants.

But I couldn't find any.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Why did the man bring a candle to the comedy show?

He wanted to see some light humor.

I'm thinking about removing my spine.

I feel like it's only holding me back.

People who use selfie sticks really need to take a long hard look at themselves.

...that's it.

I told a joke about a roof.

It went over everyone's head.

I'm addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

I used to be a tap dancer.

Until I fell in the sink.

What do you call a snowman with a carrot nose?

Frosty.

Why did the man bring a bucket to the movie?

He heard it was a tearjerker.

Why did the man bring a sandwich to the bank?

He wanted to check his balance.

Why did the man bring a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.

Why did the man bring a hammer to school?

He wanted to nail the test.

Why did the man bring a magnifying glass to the party?

He wanted to have a closer look at the fun.

Why did the man bring a wrench to the movie theater?

He heard it was a twist ending.

Why did the man bring a broom to the party?

He wanted to sweep someone off their feet.

I don't trust those trees.

They seem kind of shady.

What do you call a snowman with a sunburn?

A puddle.

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

...that's it. That's the joke.

Why did the man bring a flashlight to the party?

He wanted to lighten the mood.

Why did the man bring a map to the party?

He heard it was going to be off the charts.

Why did the man put his TV in the freezer?

He wanted to watch cool shows.

Why did the man bring a bar of soap to dinner?

For a clean plate.

Why did the man put his money in the oven?

He wanted to have rich rolls.

Why did the man take a fishing rod to the library?

He was looking for bookworms.

What do you call a snowman in July?

A puddle.

Why did the man wear a life jacket to bed?

He was afraid of the waterbed.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?

He wanted a hot rod.

Why did the man bring a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

Why did the man put his money in the dryer?

He wanted to launder it.

Why did the man put sugar on his pillow?

He wanted sweet dreams.

Why did the man sit on the clock?

He wanted to be on time.

Why did the man throw a clock out the window?

He wanted to see time fly.

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were watch dogs.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash.

Why did the man throw butter out the window?

He wanted to see a butterfly.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?

He wanted a hot rod.

Why did the man bring a car door to the desert?

So he could roll down the window when it got hot.

Why did the man put candy under his pillow?

He wanted sweet dreams.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

Why did the man take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

Because it said 'concentrate.'

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to go undercover.

Why did the man put his money in the blender?

He wanted to make some liquid assets.

Why did the envelope go to the hospital?

It had a paper cut.

Why did the man run around his bed?

To catch up on his sleep.

Why did the picture go to prison?

It was framed.

Why did the scarecrow become a politician?

He was great at standing in a field and doing nothing.

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Now we're inseparable.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired.

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The news came completely out of the purple.

Why did the lamp go to school?

Because it wasn't very bright.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher.

Why did the belt get arrested?

For holding up a pair of pants.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Why did the traffic light turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

Why did the nose not want to be a hand?

Because hands always get picked.

Why did the math teacher open a window?

To get some fresh air — the problems were too stuffy.

Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?

Because he wanted to see time fly.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was already stuffed.

What do you call a train carrying bubble gum?

A chew-chew train.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

I'll meet you at the corner.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

What do you call a man lying in front of your door?

Matt.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.

I'm terrified of elevators.

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had too many problems.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

2 guys walked into a bar,

so the 3rd one ducked

Why did the man bring a flag to the bar?

He wanted to raise the spirits.

Why did the man bring a bell to the bar?

He wanted to ring in the night.

Why did the man bring a trophy to the bar?

He wanted to celebrate.

Why did the man bring a microphone to the bar?

He wanted to raise the bar.

Why did the man bring a compass to the bar?

He wanted to find his bearings.

Why did the man bring a fishing rod to the bar?

He wanted to catch a buzz.

Why did the man bring a shovel to the bar?

He wanted to dig the vibe.

Why did the man bring an umbrella to the bar?

He heard there'd be a pour.

Why did the man bring a pillow to the bar?

He wanted to rest his case.

Why did the man bring a blanket to the bar?

He heard it was going to be a wrap.

Why did the man bring a chair to the bar?

He wanted a seat at the bar.

Why did the man bring a book to the bar?

He wanted to check out the bar's story.

Why did the man bring a pen to the bar?

He wanted to draw a crowd.

Why did the man bring a map to the bar?

He wanted to find the bar none.

Why did the man bring a phone to the bar?

He wanted to call the shots.

Why did the man bring a watch to the bar?

He wanted to have a good time.

Why did the man bring a key to the bar?

He wanted to open a tab.

Why did the man bring a hat to the bar?

He wanted to cap off the night.

Why did the man bring a candle to the bar?

He wanted a lit night out.

Why did the man bring a dictionary to the bar?

He wanted to look up spirits.

Why did the man bring a towel to the bar?

He heard they had drafts.

Why did the man bring a scale to the bar?

He wanted to weigh his options.

Why did the man bring a camera to the bar?

He wanted to take some shots.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar?

He heard the drinks were on the house.

What do you call a bartender who's also a musician?

A mixologist.

Why did the cocktail go to school?

To get a little more refined.

What's a bartender's favorite exercise?

Running a tab.

A termite walks into a bar.

He asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'

Why did the lemon go to the bar?

It wanted to get a little zest-y.

What did the whiskey say to the ice?

You dilute my personality.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

What's a bartender's least favorite film?

A Dry Martini — too little action.

Why did the bartender break up with the waitress?

She kept giving him mixed signals.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

He says, 'Five beers, please.'

What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why did the wine glass break up with the beer mug?

It said they were on different levels.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.

The bartender says, 'For you, no charge.'

Why did the beer go to therapy?

It had too many issues with its head.

What do you call a drink that tells jokes?

A pun-ch.

Why don't bartenders ever get cold?

They're always surrounded by drafts.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

Orders a beer and a mop.

What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?

Please, no more stories.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

How do you make a lemon drop?

Just let it fall.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.

The cashier said never mind.

I found a great website for ordering sausage…

I’ll send you the link.

I went my whole life absolutely certain I’d never get a phone call from a vegetable…

Then one day… Onion rings.

I opened a bakery…

business is rising.

What do you call a cow that can cook?

A moo-ster chef.

What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

Why did the man bring a backpack to the restaurant?

He wanted a packed lunch.

What do you call a cow that works at a coffee shop?

A barista.

What do you call a cow with full armor?

Sir Loin.

Why did the man bring a jacket to the restaurant?

He heard the food was chili.

Why did the man bring a telescope to the restaurant?

He heard the food was stellar.

I have a joke about pizza.

Never mind, it's too cheesy.

Why did the man bring a calculator to the restaurant?

He wanted to count his calories.

Why did the man bring a compass to the restaurant?

He heard the food was out of this world.

Why did the man bring a mirror to the restaurant?

So he could watch his diet.

Why did the man bring a bag of chips to the party?

In case there was a dip.

Why did the man wear a helmet at dinner?

He was on a crash diet.

What do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso.

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

What do you call a sleeping pizza?

A piZZZa.

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An im-pasta.

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because it lost its filling.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

It ran out of juice.

What do you call a sleeping pizza?

A piZZZa.

What do you call a cold dog?

A chili dog.

Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because it felt crummy.

What does a nosy pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business.

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Because they're fun guys.

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi!

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'

He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well.

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

What do you call a sleeping pizza?

A piZZZa.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up.

I would avoid the sushi if I were you.

It's a little fishy.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

A friend of mine said he doesn't understand cloning.

I told him that makes two of us

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket this morning.

Sprayed it all over myself Still can’t fly.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.

She was always trying to put me in her equation.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long?

A pi-thon.

Why don't scientists trust stairs?

Because they're always up to something.

Why did the gardener plant light bulbs?

He wanted to grow a power plant.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?

They just seem a little shady.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Hey there, bud.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

To get a root canal.

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land never waves back.

What did Earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life.

Why did the cloud break up with the fog?

Because the relationship was too misty.

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

What's a physicist's favorite food?

Fission chips.

Why did the photon check no luggage at the airport?

Because it was traveling light.

What did the biologist wear on a first date?

Designer genes.

Why are chemists excellent for solving problems?

They have all the solutions.

I told a chemistry joke.

There was no reaction.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Why did the sun go to school?

To get a little brighter.

What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots.

What did the limestone say to the geologist?

Don't take me for granite.

Why can't you trust an atom?

They make up literally everything.

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

I'm reading a book about teleportation.

It's bound to take me places.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Nurse: "There’s a man in the waiting room who keeps saying that he’s invisible."

Doctor: "Oh, not him again. Tell him I can’t see him today."

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Now I'm a baker — I knead the dough.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

I have a joke about construction.

I'm still working on it.

Why did the man bring a plant to the meeting?

He wanted to branch out.

I used to be a personal trainer.

Then I gave my two weak notice.

I just got a new job at a bakery.

I really knead the dough.

Why did the man bring a parachute to the office?

In case the market crashed.

Why did the man bring a pillow to the meeting?

In case it was a board meeting.

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Why did the nurse need a red pen?

In case she needed to draw blood.

Why did the broom get a promotion?

It swept the boss off their feet.

Why did the barber win the race?

Because he took a short cut.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

I just got a job at a bakery.

I knead the dough.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful motivational speaker?

He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory?

He wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

I'm friends with all electricians.

We have good current connections.

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

Why did the janitor get promoted?

Because he was sweeping the competition.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED QUIET TENNIS?

IT'S THE SAME AS REGULAR TENNIS BUT WITHOUT THE RACKET.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

All the fans left.

Why did the man bring a spoon to the Super Bowl?

He thought there'd be a cereal bowl.

Why did the man bring a net to the baseball game?

He wanted to catch some flies.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I'm just doing it for kicks.

Why did the man bring a clock to the gym?

He wanted to work around the clock.

Why did the man bring a calendar to the gym?

He wanted to schedule his workouts.

Why did the man bring a thermometer to the race?

He wanted to check the running temperature.

Why did the man bring a fan to the baseball game?

He wanted to be a fan.

Why did the man bring a notebook to the gym?

To jot down his reps.

Why did the man bring string to the soccer game?

He wanted to tie the score.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?

So he could tie the score.

Why did the coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

What's a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.

Why is tennis such a loud sport?

Because every player raises a racket.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

Why are basketball players messy eaters?

They're always dribbling.

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

Why did the basketball player bring a ladder?

Because the coach told him to shoot for the stars.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?

Because there are lots of fans.

What's a golfer's favorite letter?

Tee.

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

All the fans left.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one.

Why did the man bring a rope to the concert?

He wanted to be tied up in the music.

What do you call a cow that plays the piano?

A moo-sician.

What do you call a fish that needs help with its vocals?

Autotuna.

Why did the man bring a guitar to the interview?

He wanted to string them along.

Why did the man bring binoculars to the concert?

He wanted a closer look at the band.

What do you call a cow that plays guitar?

A moo-sician.

What do you call a group of musical whales?

An orca-stra.

Why did the man put wheels on his rocking chair?

He wanted to rock and roll.

Why did the balloon go near the needle?

It wanted to be a pop star.

Why did the music teacher need a ladder?

To reach the high notes.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

What's the most musical part of a fish?

The scales.

What makes music on your head?

A headband.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering a minor.

What do you call a cow that plays an instrument?

A moo-sician.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear.

What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?

The trombone.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?

Pop music.

Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer?

He was Haydn.

What do you call a musical insect?

A humbug.

Why did the musician get arrested?

Because he got caught in treble.

I opened my birthday card and a bunch of rice fell out… I instantly knew who it was from.

Uncle Ben.

My wife asked me to stop singing 'I'm a Believer.'

Then I saw her face.

Why do dads always carry a spare joke?

In case the first one doesn't land — but they tell it anyway.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the store.

I brought 7 Up.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with.

She said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

What do you call a man who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

A faux pa.

What do you call a dad who falls through the ice?

A pop-sicle.

My kid said, 'Dad, can you put my shoes on?'

I said, 'No, I don't think they'll fit me.'

Why did the daddy longlegs go to the bar?

To get a round in for his kids.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said, 'Dad, it's 2026. Use my phone.' That spider never saw it coming.

My son asked me to put his shoes on.

But they don't fit me.

Why do dads tell dad jokes?

Because the kids won't laugh at grandpa jokes yet.

What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?

Ketchup!

My kid asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

Why do dads always carry a spare joke?

In case the first one doesn't land — but they tell it anyway.

What do you call a cow that can code?

A moo-grammer.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Why did the computer break up with the internet?

There was no connection.

Why did the robot go on vacation?

To recharge its batteries.

Why did the computer go to the beach?

To surf the net.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?

It had a virus.

Why was the JavaScript developer sad?

Because he didn't Node how to Express himself.

What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?

Dead Siri-ous.

Why did the smartphone need glasses?

It lost all its contacts.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

What's a computer's favorite snack?

Microchips.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

What do you call a computer that sings?

A-Dell.

Why was the computer cold?

It left its Windows open.

What did the computer do at lunchtime?

Had a byte.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?

A sham-rock.

What do you call a snowman party?

A snowball.

What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet.

Why did the Easter egg hide?

Because it was a little chicken.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite.

Why don't mummies take vacations?

They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

What do ghosts eat for dinner?

Spook-ghetti.

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What do you call a broke Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.

Why does Santa go down chimneys?

Because it soots him.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph.

I got kicked out of the coffee club…

I showed up in a tea shirt.

Do you know what’s odd?

Every other number.

I saw a brand new clock in the garbage the other day.

Such a waste of time

Someone glued my deck of cards together…

I don’t know how to deal with it.

TECHNICALLY

EYE DROPS ARE BLINKER FLUID...

Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car…

They could call it the Lightning Bug.

Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.

It was a Finnish hymn

What do you call a professional javelin thrower who just got diagnosed with Parkinson’s?

Shakespeare

What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?

Just the first letter…

Nurse: "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible."

Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him today."