Bar & Drink Dad Jokes

2 guys walked into a bar,

so the 3rd one ducked

Why did the man bring a flag to the bar?

He wanted to raise the spirits.

Why did the man bring a bell to the bar?

He wanted to ring in the night.

Why did the man bring a trophy to the bar?

He wanted to celebrate.

Why did the man bring a microphone to the bar?

He wanted to raise the bar.

Why did the man bring a compass to the bar?

He wanted to find his bearings.

Why did the man bring a fishing rod to the bar?

He wanted to catch a buzz.

Why did the man bring a shovel to the bar?

He wanted to dig the vibe.

Why did the man bring an umbrella to the bar?

He heard there'd be a pour.

Why did the man bring a pillow to the bar?

He wanted to rest his case.

Why did the man bring a blanket to the bar?

He heard it was going to be a wrap.

Why did the man bring a chair to the bar?

He wanted a seat at the bar.

Why did the man bring a book to the bar?

He wanted to check out the bar's story.

Why did the man bring a pen to the bar?

He wanted to draw a crowd.

Why did the man bring a map to the bar?

He wanted to find the bar none.

Why did the man bring a phone to the bar?

He wanted to call the shots.

Why did the man bring a watch to the bar?

He wanted to have a good time.

Why did the man bring a key to the bar?

He wanted to open a tab.

Why did the man bring a hat to the bar?

He wanted to cap off the night.

Why did the man bring a candle to the bar?

He wanted a lit night out.

Why did the man bring a dictionary to the bar?

He wanted to look up spirits.

Why did the man bring a towel to the bar?

He heard they had drafts.

Why did the man bring a scale to the bar?

He wanted to weigh his options.

Why did the man bring a camera to the bar?

He wanted to take some shots.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar?

He heard the drinks were on the house.

What do you call a bartender who's also a musician?

A mixologist.

Why did the cocktail go to school?

To get a little more refined.

What's a bartender's favorite exercise?

Running a tab.

A termite walks into a bar.

He asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'

Why did the lemon go to the bar?

It wanted to get a little zest-y.

What did the whiskey say to the ice?

You dilute my personality.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

What's a bartender's least favorite film?

A Dry Martini — too little action.

Why did the bartender break up with the waitress?

She kept giving him mixed signals.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

He says, 'Five beers, please.'

What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Why did the wine glass break up with the beer mug?

It said they were on different levels.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer.

The bartender says, 'For you, no charge.'

Why did the beer go to therapy?

It had too many issues with its head.

What do you call a drink that tells jokes?

A pun-ch.

Why don't bartenders ever get cold?

They're always surrounded by drafts.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

Orders a beer and a mop.

What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?

Please, no more stories.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

How do you make a lemon drop?

Just let it fall.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.

The cashier said never mind.