Classic Dad Jokes

I'm so good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

I don't trust people who do acupuncture.

They're back stabbers.

Why did the man bring a ladder to church?

He wanted to reach a higher power.

I went to buy some camo pants.

But I couldn't find any.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Why did the man bring a candle to the comedy show?

He wanted to see some light humor.

I'm thinking about removing my spine.

I feel like it's only holding me back.

People who use selfie sticks really need to take a long hard look at themselves.

...that's it.

I told a joke about a roof.

It went over everyone's head.

I'm addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

I used to be a tap dancer.

Until I fell in the sink.

What do you call a snowman with a carrot nose?

Frosty.

Why did the man bring a bucket to the movie?

He heard it was a tearjerker.

Why did the man bring a sandwich to the bank?

He wanted to check his balance.

Why did the man bring a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.

Why did the man bring a hammer to school?

He wanted to nail the test.

Why did the man bring a magnifying glass to the party?

He wanted to have a closer look at the fun.

Why did the man bring a wrench to the movie theater?

He heard it was a twist ending.

Why did the man bring a broom to the party?

He wanted to sweep someone off their feet.

I don't trust those trees.

They seem kind of shady.

What do you call a snowman with a sunburn?

A puddle.

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

...that's it. That's the joke.

Why did the man bring a flashlight to the party?

He wanted to lighten the mood.

Why did the man bring a map to the party?

He heard it was going to be off the charts.

Why did the man put his TV in the freezer?

He wanted to watch cool shows.

Why did the man bring a bar of soap to dinner?

For a clean plate.

Why did the man put his money in the oven?

He wanted to have rich rolls.

Why did the man take a fishing rod to the library?

He was looking for bookworms.

What do you call a snowman in July?

A puddle.

Why did the man wear a life jacket to bed?

He was afraid of the waterbed.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?

He wanted a hot rod.

Why did the man bring a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

Why did the man put his money in the dryer?

He wanted to launder it.

Why did the man put sugar on his pillow?

He wanted sweet dreams.

Why did the man sit on the clock?

He wanted to be on time.

Why did the man throw a clock out the window?

He wanted to see time fly.

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were watch dogs.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash.

Why did the man throw butter out the window?

He wanted to see a butterfly.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?

He wanted a hot rod.

Why did the man bring a car door to the desert?

So he could roll down the window when it got hot.

Why did the man put candy under his pillow?

He wanted sweet dreams.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

Why did the man take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

Because it said 'concentrate.'

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to go undercover.

Why did the man put his money in the blender?

He wanted to make some liquid assets.

Why did the envelope go to the hospital?

It had a paper cut.

Why did the man run around his bed?

To catch up on his sleep.

Why did the picture go to prison?

It was framed.

Why did the scarecrow become a politician?

He was great at standing in a field and doing nothing.

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Now we're inseparable.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired.

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The news came completely out of the purple.

Why did the lamp go to school?

Because it wasn't very bright.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher.

Why did the belt get arrested?

For holding up a pair of pants.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Why did the traffic light turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

Why did the nose not want to be a hand?

Because hands always get picked.

Why did the math teacher open a window?

To get some fresh air — the problems were too stuffy.

Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?

Because he wanted to see time fly.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was already stuffed.

What do you call a train carrying bubble gum?

A chew-chew train.

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

I'll meet you at the corner.

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

What do you call a man lying in front of your door?

Matt.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.

I'm terrified of elevators.

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had too many problems.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.