The Dad Joke
Archive

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had too many problems.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador.

I would avoid the sushi if I were you.

It's a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out.

The cashier said never mind.

What do you call a sleeping pizza?

A piZZZa.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

How do you make a lemon drop?

Just let it fall.

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well.

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'

He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'